I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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