Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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