You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
