Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
