Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
