is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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