Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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