He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
