that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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