she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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