wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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