thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
