every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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