Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
