I heard we made out
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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