Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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