my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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