I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
either way he was missing a nipple.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
