Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I enjoy the company of your penis
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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