We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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