Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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