woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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