I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just invented taco cereal.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
