so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
