Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize