I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
