His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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