I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
