Swine flu. Run for my life!
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize