dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
