i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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