This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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