So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
