She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
