A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize