i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
