In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize