i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
