I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
