i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
