I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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