Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
