He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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