oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You ate ashes out of my bong
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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