He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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