I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
