weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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