i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
