seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
