Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
