If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Randomize