i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
