I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
