I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
