Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
