Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
is this the sara with the beer cane?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
